Want a background check and a free, real-world evaluation of someone’s parenting potential before dating? Try serving together in children’s ministry for a year!
If you’re getting to know someone with the possibility of Christian marriage and raising children together, here’s a serious question: How does that person treat children? If a young man says he wants to be a husband and father but is unwilling to spend even six months serving children, without a good reason, that’s a huge red flag worth investigating before pursuing marriage.
Of course, someone may have legitimate health limitations, work schedules, or other responsibilities that prevent serving in children’s ministry. Those circumstances do not automatically disqualify anyone from becoming a wonderful parent. The real concern is someone who claims to want children but shows little interest in loving, teaching, protecting, or sacrificing for them.
An important word of caution: Churches should never allow newcomers to begin working with children simply because they volunteer. They should first attend regularly, demonstrate faithfulness in other areas of ministry, and complete a thorough screening process. Protecting children must always come before recruiting volunteers.
- Prepare to make church more than a dull ritual – When we prepare to prioritize, serve, contribute, change, act, and fellowship intentionally, we honor Christ.
- Ten considerations before appointing church leaders – The importance of taking time to approve church leaders, which ensures godly, faithful, experienced, proven leadership.
With that in mind, here are ten reasons serving together in children’s ministry could be one of the best ways to get to know a potential Christian spouse.
10 Get a Background Check Before the First Date – Responsible churches carefully screen children’s ministry volunteers through applications, interviews, personal references, criminal background checks, and sometimes Live Scan fingerprinting. In California, Live Scan may include state and FBI criminal-history checks, with processing and fingerprinting fees that churches often cover. Reference letters from pastors, employers, or other trusted Christians can provide additional insight into someone’s reputation and character. Although screening results must remain confidential and no background check guarantees good character, a person’s willingness to undergo reasonable screening demonstrates accountability and transparency. Proverbs 18:17 reminds us that “the first one to plead his cause seems right,” emphasizing the wisdom of verifying someone’s claims rather than simply accepting appearances.
- What is Live Scan? – Live scan electronically captures fingerprints and palm prints without ink. It is utilized for criminal booking, sexual offender registration, and civil background checks, enabling instant or rapid database comparisons for law enforcement and employment.
- Why Churches Need Live Scan – Ensure compliance with California’s AB-506 child safety laws. Learn why churches must utilize Live Scan fingerprinting, how it compares to online background checks, and how to protect youth ministries effectively.
9Discover How Someone Treats Children – Almost anyone can be charming during a romantic dinner, but children have a remarkable way of revealing someone’s true character. Watch how a potential spouse responds to a crying toddler, a frustrated preschooler, or a child who needs extra attention. Do they demonstrate genuine affection, compassion, and respect, or do they become impatient and dismissive? Jesus demonstrated His love for children when He said, “Let the little children come to Me” (Matthew 19:14). Someone who consistently treats children with kindness demonstrates qualities essential to Christian parenting.
8See Patience Tested Under Pressure – Nothing tests patience quite like a classroom full of energetic children who don’t always listen or cooperate. Children’s ministry provides repeated opportunities to observe how someone responds to interruptions, disappointments, disagreements, and unexpected problems. Do they remain gentle and encouraging, or do frustration and anger quickly take control? Galatians 5:22-23 identifies “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness” and “self-control” among the fruit of the Spirit. Remember, the way someone handles frustration with children may offer a glimpse of how they will handle the pressures of marriage and parenting.
7Learn Whether They Keep Their Commitments – Marriage and parenting require dependability, not merely good intentions. Serving in children’s ministry reveals whether someone arrives on time, prepares lessons, fulfills responsibilities, and follows through on promises. Do they consistently show up when needed, or do they make excuses and leave others carrying their responsibilities? Jesus taught, “He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much” (Luke 16:10). Faithfulness demonstrated through ordinary responsibilities is an encouraging indication of someone who understands the commitments of marriage and family.
6Discover Whether They Can Work as a Team – A successful marriage requires cooperation, communication, humility, and the willingness to share responsibilities. Children’s ministry provides natural opportunities to observe how someone works alongside others, accepts correction, resolves disagreements, and responds when plans change. Do they encourage their teammates and willingly help with unpleasant tasks, or must everything be done their way? Philippians 2:3 instructs believers, “in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” Someone who consistently places personal preferences above everyone else’s needs may struggle with the teamwork required in marriage.
5Get a Preview of Parenting Challenges – Raising children involves much more than enjoying adorable babies and happy family photographs. Children’s ministry introduces young adults to behavioral challenges, discipline, emotional needs, teaching responsibilities, and the remarkable differences between individual children. Watch whether someone responds with wisdom and encouragement or relies on harshness, threats, and intimidation. Ephesians 6:4 instructs fathers not to “provoke your children to wrath,” but to bring them up in the Lord’s instruction. Although volunteering cannot fully reproduce the responsibilities of parenting, it provides valuable experience and reveals attitudes that deserve attention before marriage.
4Find Out Whether Their Faith Is More Than Words – It’s easy for someone to say they love Jesus, attend church, and believe the Bible, but genuine Christian faith should influence everyday behavior. Teaching children Scripture, patiently answering questions, praying with them, and faithfully serving when nobody is watching provide opportunities to observe that commitment. James 2:17 reminds us that “faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.” Look for consistency between someone’s Christian profession and the way they actually live. A potential spouse should demonstrate a growing commitment to obeying Christ, not merely an ability to speak Christian language.
3Discover Whether You Share Biblical Family Values – Before marriage, Christian couples should understand one another’s convictions about biblical instruction, discipline, family worship, and raising children to follow Jesus Christ. Children’s ministry naturally encourages conversations about these subjects while providing opportunities to observe how those convictions influence real decisions. Do you share a commitment to teaching biblical truth, modeling godly behavior, and exercising loving discipline? Deuteronomy 6:7 commands God’s people concerning His words, “You shall teach them diligently to your children.” Agreement on these important priorities helps establish a spiritual foundation for marriage and family life.
2Build Friendship Before Romance – Romantic attraction can develop quickly, but genuine friendship and trust usually require time and shared experiences. Serving together allows young Christians to observe one another’s personality, convictions, character, and treatment of others without the constant pressure of trying to impress a potential spouse. They learn to cooperate, encourage one another, solve problems, and enjoy accomplishing something meaningful together. Ecclesiastes 4:9 reminds us that “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor.” When romantic affection develops upon a foundation of Christian friendship and shared service, the relationship has something more substantial than physical attraction alone.
1Discover What Sacrificial Love Really Looks Like – Romantic dinners, flowers, and thoughtful compliments are wonderful, but they don’t necessarily demonstrate the sacrificial love required for a lifelong marriage. Watch how someone behaves when they’re tired, inconvenienced, unappreciated, or asked to perform a task nobody else wants to do. Are they willing to clean up a mess, comfort a difficult child, help an overwhelmed teacher, or sacrifice personal comfort without expecting recognition? First John 3:18 challenges us, “let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.” The greatest evidence of love isn’t what someone promises during courtship, but the character they consistently demonstrate through sacrificial service.
Conclusion: Pay Attention to the Red Flags! Marriage is a lifelong covenant, and choosing a spouse is one of life’s most consequential decisions. If you’re hoping to raise a Christian family, you need more than someone who is attractive, entertaining, or good at saying the right things. You need someone whose character reflects the teachings of Jesus Christ.
Think about these ten areas. Dishonesty, impatience, anger, unreliability, selfishness, unwillingness to cooperate, harshness toward children, spiritual hypocrisy, conflicting family values, and a lack of sacrificial love should all raise serious concerns. If these behaviors become consistent patterns during six months or a year of ministry, don’t assume marriage and children will magically make them disappear.
Of course, nobody is perfect. Everyone has difficult days, and spiritual maturity develops over time. What matters is whether someone recognizes their shortcomings, accepts correction, genuinely repents, and demonstrates growth. A pattern of humble improvement is very different from a pattern of excuses and unrepentant behavior.
And remember, children’s ministry isn’t supposed to be a dating service or a secret audition for marriage. The children deserve volunteers who genuinely love them and want to teach them about Jesus Christ. Any friendship or romance that develops should be secondary to that sacred responsibility.
The greatest reward isn’t finding a husband or wife. It’s helping children come to know and love the Lord Jesus Christ. But if the Lord allows two young Christians to discover a lifelong friendship while faithfully serving Him together, what a wonderful beginning that could be!
Before dating, and before committing to a lifetime together, spend some time serving others together. Love is demonstrated by action, trust is built through faithfulness, and character is revealed over time.