Understanding how Conflict starts
Conflict doesn’t start in a vacuum. There is always history. Usually twisted and piled. Resolving these conflicts can be like pulling a strand from a pile of tangled rusty barbed wire. It won’t end well for anyone. Everyone will be bloodied. Unless God…
Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by his good conduct that his deeds are done in gentleness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, don’t boast and don’t lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, sensual, and demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition are, there is confusion and every evil deed. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceful, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. (James 3:13-18 WEB)
Where do wars and fightings among you come from? Don’t they come from your pleasures that war in your members? You lust, and don’t have. You kill, covet, and can’t obtain. You fight and make war. You don’t have, because you don’t ask. You ask, and don’t receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it for your pleasures. You adulterers and adulteresses, don’t you know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoevloer therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, “The Spirit who lives in us yearns jealously”? But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:1-6 WEB)
Godly conflict resolution
There are two sides to every conflict. One or both sides are at fault. One or both sides are hurt. But it doesn’t matter, because God has provided guidance for both sides.
I love the picture that is developed by combining Matthew 5 with Matthew 18. If two people have a conflict, they both meet each other to reconcile. The one who was wronged by the other, going to correct and restore the other. And the one who has wronged the other, going to confess and reconcile to the other.
“You have heard that it was said to the ancient ones, ‘You shall not murder;’ and ‘Whoever shall murder shall be in danger of the judgment.’ But I tell you, that everyone who is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment; and whoever shall say to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council; and whoever shall say, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of the fire of Gehenna. “If therefore you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has anything against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:21-24 WEB)
“If your brother sins against you, go, show him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained back your brother. But if he doesn’t listen, take one or two more with you, that at the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the assembly. If he refuses to hear the assembly also, let him be to you as a Gentile or a tax collector. Most certainly I tell you, whatever things you bind on earth will have been bound in heaven, and whatever things you release on earth will have been released in heaven. (Matthew 18:15-18 WEB)
Consider the wisdom of King Solomon…
Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all wrongs. (Proverbs 10:12 WEB)
Pride only breeds quarrels, but with ones who take advice is wisdom. (Proverbs 13:10 WEB)
He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a quick temper displays folly. (Proverbs 14:29 WEB)
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1 WEB)
A wrathful man stirs up contention, but one who is slow to anger appeases strife. (Proverbs 15:18 WEB)
A perverse man stirs up strife. A whisperer separates close friends. (Proverbs 16:28 WEB)
One who is slow to anger is better than the mighty; one who rules his spirit, than he who takes a city. (Proverbs 16:32 WEB)
He who loves disobedience loves strife. One who builds a high gate seeks destruction. (Proverbs 17:19 WEB)
For lack of wood a fire goes out. Without gossip, a quarrel dies down. (Proverbs 26:20 WEB)
As coals are to hot embers, and wood to fire, so is a contentious man to kindling strife. (Proverbs 16:21 WEB)
One who is greedy stirs up strife; but one who trusts in Yahweh will prosper. (Proverbs 28:25 WEB)
Seeking wisdom from God
There are three books that I highly recommend for help in resolving conflict. Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and James. It will only take a couple of hours to read these books, but they will provide a lifetime of wisdom.
But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach; and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, without any doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven by the wind and tossed. For let that man not think that he will receive anything from the Lord. He is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. (James 1:5-8 WEB)
So, then, my beloved brothers, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; for the anger of man doesn’t produce the righteousness of God. Therefore, putting away all filthiness and overflowing of wickedness, receive with humility the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. But be doers of the word, and not only hearers, deluding your own selves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man looking at his natural face in a mirror; for he sees himself, and goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of freedom, and continues, not being a hearer who forgets, but a doer of the work, this man will be blessed in what he does. (James 1:19-25 WEB)
Therefore, putting away falsehood, speak truth each one with his neighbor. For we are members of one another. “Be angry, and don’t sin.” Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath, neither give place to the devil. Let him who stole steal no more; but rather let him labor, working with his hands the thing that is good, that he may have something to give to him who has need. Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but such as is good for building up as the need may be, that it may give grace to those who hear. Don’t grieve the Holy Spirit of God, in whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, outcry, and slander, be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:25-32 WEB)
Put on therefore, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, a heart of compassion, kindness, lowliness, humility, and perseverance; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, if any man has a complaint against any; even as Christ forgave you, so you also do. Above all these things, walk in love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly; in all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your heart to the Lord. Whatever you do, in word or in deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father, through him. (Colossians 3:12-17 WEB)
Seeking help from friends, mentors, and counselors
If the conflict is too big for you to handle, seek help from friends, mentors, and counselors. But don’t use this as an opportunity to gossip. And for heaven’s sake follow their advice.
Brothers, even if a man is caught in some fault, you who are spiritual must restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; looking to yourself so that you also aren’t tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if a man thinks himself to be something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. But let each man test his own work, and then he will take pride in himself and not in his neighbor. For each man will bear his own burden. (Galatians 6:1-5 WEB)
Brothers, if any among you wanders from the truth, and someone turns him back, let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save a soul from death, and will cover a multitude of sins. (James 5:19-20 WEB)
Moses’ father-in-law said to him, “The thing that you do is not good. You will surely wear away, both you, and this people that is with you; for the thing is too heavy for you. You are not able to perform it yourself alone. Listen now to my voice. I will give you counsel, and God be with you. You represent the people before God, and bring the causes to God. You shall teach them the statutes and the laws, and shall show them the way in which they must walk, and the work that they must do. Moreover you shall provide out of all the people able men, such as fear God: men of truth, hating unjust gain; and place such over them, to be rulers of thousands, rulers of hundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens. Let them judge the people at all times. It shall be that every great matter they shall bring to you, but every small matter they shall judge themselves. So shall it be easier for you, and they shall share the load with you. If you will do this thing, and God commands you so, then you will be able to endure, and all of these people also will go to their place in peace.” (Exodus 18:17-23 WEB)
He who gives answer before he hears, that is folly and shame to him. (Proverbs 18:13 WEB)
He who pleads his cause first seems right; until another comes and questions him. (Proverbs 18:17 WEB)
Ready to Restore: The Layman’s Guide to Christian Counseling Paperback by Jay E. Adams – Jay E. Adams was a pioneer in the field of biblical counseling and the founder of nouthetic counseling—counseling guided by Scripture alone. In Ready to Restore, all of Adam’s expertise is bundled into an accessible, introductory volume that will teach even the most inexperienced readers the fundamentals required to counsel peers in need. Because everyone is called to counsel someone but nobody is ever called to counsel everyone.
Examples of godly conflict resolution—fixing difficult problems
- Abraham & Lot (Genesis 13)
- David & Saul (1 Samuel 20)
- Abigail intercedes for Nabal (1 Samuel 25)
- Paul & Barnabas (Acts 15)
- Paul & Peter (Galatians 2)
- 12 words guaranteed to save your marriage – These 12 words are guaranteed save your marriage: I love you, I was wrong, it’s my fault, I am sorry. Start using them today!
Examples of ungodly conflict resolution—making problems worse
- Cain & Abel (Genesis 4)
- Sara & Hagar (Genesis 21)
- Rachel & Leia (Genesis 29)
- 10 Ways Prayers are Hindered – Examples of how prayers are hindered when you don’t love the Lord with all your heart, soul, and mind and you don’t love your neighbor as yourself
- The sin of bitterness – Happiness becomes a blessed way of life that blesses others, but jealousy becomes the sin of bitterness that hurts everyone around you.
Avoiding lawsuits with Christians (don’t bring unbelievers into problems)
The saddest result of conflict, which cannot be resolved by Christians with wisdom from the Almighty God of the universe, is vomiting it all over doubting skeptical unbelievers.
Dare any of you, having a matter against his neighbor, go to law before the unrighteous, and not before the saints? Don’t you know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world is judged by you, are you unworthy to judge the smallest matters? Don’t you know that we will judge angels? How much more, things that pertain to this life? If then, you have to judge things pertaining to this life, do you set them to judge who are of no account in the assembly? I say this to move you to shame. Isn’t there even one wise man among you who would be able to decide between his brothers? But brother goes to law with brother, and that before unbelievers! (1 Corinthians 6:1-6 WEB)
Therefore it is already altogether a defect in you, that you have lawsuits one with another. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded? No, but you yourselves do wrong, and defraud, and that against your brothers. (1 Corinthians 6:7-8 WEB)
Bless those who persecute you; bless, and don’t curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind one toward another. Don’t set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Don’t be wise in your own conceits. Repay no one evil for evil. Respect what is honorable in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men. Don’t seek revenge yourselves, beloved, but give place to God’s wrath. For it is written, “Vengeance belongs to me; I will repay, says the Lord.” Therefore “If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in doing so, you will heap coals of fire on his head.” Don’t be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:14-21 WEB)