Do Not Be Bitter Toward Them
Paul gives husbands a short but searching command:
The King James Version says, “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” The ESV says, “and do not be harsh with them.” These translations help us see the full force of the command. A husband is not merely told to avoid outward cruelty. He is commanded to reject the inner bitterness that produces harsh words, cold distance, resentment, intimidation, cutting criticism, and angry treatment.
Colossians 3:19 belongs to a larger section often called a household code. In the ancient world, household instructions commonly addressed husbands, wives, children, fathers, servants, and masters. But Paul writes as an apostle of Jesus Christ, not as a defender of sinful cultural patterns. He places every relationship under the lordship of Christ. Just before this passage, Paul commands believers to “put off” sinful anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, and filthy speech, and to “put on” mercy, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering, forgiveness, and love (Colossians 3:8-14). That means Colossians 3:19 is not an isolated marriage tip. It is part of the new life that belongs to those who have been raised with Christ.
Paul teaches the same pattern in Ephesians 5:25:
The husband’s calling is not to rule with anger, pressure, fear, or selfishness. His calling is to love with the self-giving pattern of Christ. Christ does not nourish His church with harshness. He does not lead His people by bitterness. He does not sanctify His bride through contempt. He loved the church and gave Himself for her.
What the Command Means
The word “love” in Colossians 3:19 and Ephesians 5:25 comes from the Greek word agapaō. In this context, it speaks of deliberate, covenantal, self-giving love. It is not merely affection, attraction, or warm emotion. It is love that seeks the good of another person before self.
The word translated “bitter” in Colossians 3:19 is related to the Greek word pikrainō, which means to make bitter, to become embittered, or to treat someone in a bitter way. Bitterness begins in the heart, but it rarely stays there. It leaks into tone, facial expression, silence, sarcasm, impatience, criticism, and angry outbursts. A bitter husband may say, “I am just telling the truth,” but Scripture requires truth to be spoken in love (Ephesians 4:15). A bitter husband may say, “That is just how I am,” but Scripture says believers are to put off the old man and put on the new man (Ephesians 4:22-24).
In Ephesians 4:31-32, Paul gives the broader Christian pattern:
This means a husband cannot excuse harshness as personality, stress, leadership, masculinity, or righteous frustration. A godly husband must learn to hate the sin of bitterness because Christ hates it, and he must learn to practice kindness because Christ commands it.
Headship Is Never Permission for Harshness
Because this book has considered Genesis 2 and Ephesians 5, it is important to say this clearly. Christians who hold to the authority of Scripture have sometimes differed on how to define the details of “head” in Ephesians 5:23 and “submit” in Ephesians 5:22. Some emphasize authority and responsibility. Others emphasize source, unity, or sacrificial care. But no faithful reading of Scripture permits a husband to use headship as an excuse for anger, coercion, intimidation, cruelty, or selfish control.
Genesis 2:24 says a man is to “leave” his father and mother and “be joined” to his wife. The Hebrew word often associated with “cleave” or “be joined” is dabaq, meaning to cling, hold fast, or be closely joined. That word points to covenant loyalty, not cold domination. A husband who clings to his wife in covenant faithfulness does not crush her spirit. He protects the marriage bond by loving her as his own body (Ephesians 5:28-29).
Submission in marriage must also be understood in the fear of God, not in the fear of man. Ephesians 5:21 introduces the household section by calling believers to submit to one another “in the fear of God.” The wife’s submission does not make the husband a lord over her conscience, and it does not require her to cooperate with sin or remain silent in danger. Christ alone is Lord of the conscience. A husband’s leadership must be Christlike, truthful, gentle, sacrificial, and accountable.
Harshness Reveals a Heart That Needs Repentance
Jesus taught that our words reveal our hearts:
That does not mean every tired word carries the same weight, but it does mean a pattern of harsh speech must be taken seriously. A husband should not minimize what God calls sin. If his words are repeatedly angry, demeaning, impatient, threatening, sarcastic, or contemptuous, the problem is not merely communication style. It is a heart problem that must be brought into the light before God.
James writes:
The wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. It may produce silence, fear, distance, compliance, or outward peace for a moment, but it does not produce godliness. A wife may stop talking because she is weary of conflict, but that is not the same as being cherished. A home may become quiet because everyone is walking carefully around an angry man, but that is not the peace of Christ.
A husband who loves his wife must learn to see harshness as sin, not as strength. He must learn to see bitterness as poison, not as honesty. He must learn to see repentance as obedience, not humiliation.
A Biblical Pathway of Repentance
Harshness must repent in the open, not merely in private feelings of regret. A husband may feel badly after an angry moment, but biblical repentance goes beyond remorse. It turns from sin toward God and bears fruit in changed behavior (Matthew 3:8; 2 Corinthians 7:10-11).
A practical pathway of repentance includes confession, forgiveness, restitution, trust-building, and accountability.
First, confess the sin plainly. Do not say, “I am sorry if you felt hurt.” Say, “I sinned against God and against you when I spoke harshly. I raised my voice. I used cutting words. I was impatient and unkind.” Real confession names the sin without excuses. It does not blame stress, work, finances, the children, or the wife’s response.
Second, acknowledge the harm. A husband should be willing to say, “That was wrong, and I can understand why it hurt you.” This does not require exaggerated self-condemnation. It does require humble honesty. Proverbs 18:13 warns against answering before hearing. A repentant husband listens long enough to understand how his conduct affected his wife.
Third, ask forgiveness without demanding it. It is right to say, “Will you forgive me?” But forgiveness should not be treated as a tool to hurry the wounded person into immediate emotional closeness. Trust may take time to rebuild. Forgiveness before God and rebuilding trust in the relationship are related, but they are not identical.
Fourth, make restitution where appropriate. Zacchaeus showed repentance by making wrongs right (Luke 19:8-9). In marriage, restitution may include repairing what was damaged, changing a schedule that feeds sinful pressure, seeking counseling, apologizing to children who witnessed the sin, or replacing patterns of criticism with words of blessing. Restitution means the husband does not merely want relief from guilt. He wants righteousness in the home.
Fifth, invite accountability. A man who repeatedly sins with harsh anger should not trust himself to change by vague intentions. He should bring the pattern into the light with a mature pastor, elder, biblical counselor, or wise Christian brother. Proverbs 28:13 says, “He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.” Accountability is not punishment. It is mercy for a man who wants to walk in the light.
Five Practices That Help Replace Harshness with Love
A husband must not only stop sinful behavior. He must also put on the new habits of Christlike love. Colossians 3 does not merely say, “Put off.” It also says, “Put on.”
- Slow Down Before You Speak
James 1:19 commands every man to be “swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” This is especially important in marriage. A husband should learn to pause before responding, especially when he feels accused, disrespected, tired, or misunderstood. A simple pause can become an act of obedience.
A wise practice is to say, “I want to answer carefully, not harshly. Give me a moment.” That is not avoidance. It is self-control. Proverbs 16:32 says, “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty.” Strength is not shown by overpowering a conversation. Strength is shown by governing the heart under God.
- Replace Accusation with Honest Ownership
Harshness often speaks in accusations: “You always,” “You never,” “What is wrong with you?” Love learns to speak with ownership: “I am frustrated, and I need to speak carefully,” or “I misunderstood you,” or “I responded sinfully.”
This does not mean a husband can never address real problems. Scripture allows and commands truthful correction when needed (Galatians 6:1; Matthew 18:15). But correction must be gentle, humble, and aimed at restoration. A husband who corrects his wife while refusing correction himself is not acting with Christian maturity.
- Practice Daily Nourishing Speech
Ephesians 5:29 says a man nourishes and cherishes his own body, and Paul applies that pattern to marriage. A husband should ask whether his words nourish his wife or drain her. Words can strengthen, bless, comfort, and encourage. They can also bruise, belittle, and discourage.
Proverbs 12:18 says, “There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the wise promotes health.” A godly husband should become skilled in words that promote health. He should thank his wife. He should notice her labor. He should speak respectfully in private and in public. He should not make jokes at her expense. He should not use Scripture as a weapon to win arguments.
- Repair Quickly When You Sin
Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath.” This does not mean every conflict can be fully resolved before bedtime, and it should not be used to force an exhausted wife into a late-night confrontation. It does mean a husband should not nurse resentment, prolong coldness, or punish his wife with silence.
A simple repair may sound like this: “I know we have not solved everything, but I sinned in my tone. I am sorry. I do not want to go forward in bitterness.” That kind of humility can begin to rebuild safety and trust.
- Seek Help When the Pattern Persists
Some anger patterns are deeply rooted. A man may have learned harshness in his childhood home. He may be carrying unaddressed grief, fear, shame, or pride. He may be dealing with anxiety, depression, trauma, addiction, or other serious struggles. These factors do not excuse sin, but they may help explain why wise help is needed.
A husband should not be ashamed to seek pastoral care, biblical counseling, medical evaluation when appropriate, or qualified marriage counseling. Seeking help is not weakness. It is humility. Proverbs 11:14 says, “In the multitude of counselors there is safety.”
Important Cautions for Safety and Wisdom
This chapter is written to call husbands to repentance, gentleness, and Christlike love. It must never be used to pressure a wife to endure danger, coercion, intimidation, or ongoing destructive behavior in silence. Biblical forgiveness does not require pretending sin did not happen. Biblical submission does not require enabling evil. Biblical marriage does not erase the need for safety, truth, and accountability.
If a husband is using threats, physical violence, sexual coercion, financial control, stalking, intimidation, isolation, or repeated emotional cruelty, the situation requires outside help. A wife in danger should seek safety and involve appropriate authorities, church leaders, and trained helpers. Civil authority is ordained by God to restrain evil (Romans 13:1-4). Church leaders should take such matters seriously and should not rush reconciliation while ignoring safety, repentance, and fruit.
Disability, trauma, mental health struggles, and medical conditions may affect communication patterns in a marriage. A wise husband takes these realities seriously. He does not weaponize them against his wife. He does not mock weakness. He does not demand that his wife process conflict in the same way he does. Love learns patience, seeks understanding, and makes room for wise care.
At the same time, no struggle gives a husband permission to sin with his mouth or his hands. Grace does not excuse harshness. Grace teaches us to deny ungodliness and live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age (Titus 2:11-12).
Pastoral and Counseling Recommendations
The primary authority for the Christian husband is Scripture. The husband must bring his heart, words, habits, and home under the lordship of Jesus Christ. Secondary resources may help, but they must never replace the Word of God.
Stuart Scott’s The Exemplary Husband: A Biblical Perspective calls men to pursue purposeful, lasting Christlikeness in the covenant of marriage. Written as a companion volume to Martha Peace’s The Excellent Wife, this practical and Scripture-saturated guide presents the husband’s calling as far more than outward provision or positional leadership. Scott urges husbands to understand God, marriage, sin, love, leadership, intimacy, stewardship, humility, communication, conflict, anger, and repentance through the authority of Scripture. With a strong emphasis on Ephesians 5, the book challenges men to love their wives sacrificially, lead humbly, serve faithfully, and grow in holiness for the glory of God. Suitable for personal study, men’s discipleship, marriage counseling, or small-group discussion, The Exemplary Husband is a sober and practical resource for Christian men who want their marriages to reflect the love of Christ for His church.
Martha Peace’s The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective is a practical, Scripture-centered guide for Christian wives who desire to honor the Lord in marriage. Written from a biblical counseling perspective, the book addresses a wife’s relationship with Christ, her understanding of God’s design for marriage, her heart attitudes, her speech, her conduct, and her responses to conflict, fear, loneliness, anger, and disappointment. With frequent attention to passages such as Proverbs 31, Genesis 2, Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3, and Titus 2, Peace encourages wives to pursue faithfulness, humility, respect, love, wisdom, and godly character in the ordinary responsibilities and trials of married life. Often used in personal study, women’s discipleship, premarital preparation, and biblical counseling, The Excellent Wife serves as a companion volume to Stuart Scott’s The Exemplary Husband and is written for women who want their marriages and lives to reflect obedience to Christ and trust in His Word.
For an evidence-based counseling reference, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy has peer-reviewed research support, including early outcome research by Susan M. Johnson and Leslie S. Greenberg in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. This does not make any counseling model equal to Scripture, but it may help couples work with a qualified counselor on patterns of conflict, repair, and attachment when used with biblical discernment. (ERIC)
Research on marital interaction has also observed that negative conflict patterns, including criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and escalating negativity, are associated with marital distress and later dissolution. Christians should not need social science to obey Colossians 3:19, but such research soberly confirms that harsh and contemptuous patterns damage marriages rather than strengthen them. (BPL)
Where there is coercive control or intimate partner violence, ordinary marriage communication advice is not enough. Professional and safety-focused resources define intimate partner violence as including patterns of coercive behavior, not only physical injury, and such situations require careful safety planning and outside intervention. (ACOG)
Christians should especially seek counsel that is openly biblical, Christ-centered, and aimed at repentance, faith, and obedience. This is often called nouthetic counseling, from the Greek word noutheteō, meaning to admonish, warn, instruct, or counsel with loving correction (see Romans 15:14; Colossians 1:28; Colossians 3:16). Nouthetic counseling is not mere scolding, nor is it harsh confrontation. Properly practiced, it is compassionate, Scripture-governed discipleship that brings God’s Word to bear on the heart, motives, words, and conduct of the believer. This is especially important for Christians because marriage problems are never merely communication problems; they are also worship, character, and obedience problems before the Lord. A husband who is bitter, harsh, controlling, or angry does not merely need better techniques. He needs to repent before God, renew his mind by Scripture, learn to walk by the Spirit, and rebuild trust through visible fruit. Wise nouthetic counseling keeps Christ and His Word at the center while also recognizing when additional medical, legal, safety, or trauma-informed help is needed. (nouthetic.org)
The Hope of the Gospel for a Harsh Husband
A husband who sees his sin should not hide from God. He should run to Christ. The gospel does not flatter him, but it does offer real forgiveness and real change. Jesus died for sinners. He rose again. He gives mercy to the repentant and power to walk in newness of life.
First John 1:9 gives a precious promise:
That promise is not permission to repeat sin casually. It is an invitation to come into the light. A harsh husband should confess his sin to God, confess it to his wife where he has sinned against her, and take concrete steps to change. He should not despair as though transformation is impossible. The same Lord who commands husbands to love their wives also gives grace for obedience.
The fruit of the Spirit includes “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23). These are not optional decorations on Christian character. They are the evidence of the Spirit’s work. A husband walking by the Spirit will become more gentle, not more harsh. He will become more patient, not more bitter. He will become more Christlike, not more self-protective.
A Godly Husband is Never Bitter
Colossians 3:19 is brief, but it reaches deeply into the heart of a husband: “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be bitter toward them.” God does not call a husband merely to avoid the worst forms of mistreatment. He calls him to put away bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, evil speaking, and malice, and to put on kindness, tenderness, forgiveness, and love.
A godly husband must not excuse harshness. He must repent of it. He must name it honestly, seek forgiveness humbly, repair what he has damaged, rebuild trust patiently, and invite accountability where patterns persist. Above all, he must look to Christ, who loved His bride and gave Himself for her. The husband who follows Christ will not use his strength to wound his wife. He will use his strength to love, nourish, cherish, protect, and serve her for the glory of God.
Study Questions:
- According to Colossians 3:19, why must a husband reject both outward harshness and inward bitterness toward his wife?
- How does Ephesians 5:25 define the pattern of a husband’s love, and why does this forbid anger, intimidation, coercion, or selfish control?
- What is the difference between feeling sorry after speaking harshly and practicing biblical repentance?
- What steps should a husband take when he has sinned against his wife through harsh words, bitterness, or angry behavior?
- Why is outside accountability or counseling sometimes necessary, especially when harshness becomes a repeated pattern?