Divorce and Remarriage: The Question of Abandonment

19. Summary – Marriage and its provisions

Marriage is an institution designed by God. The man and the woman enter into a contract/covenant that contains provisions and stipulations written by God. This covenant calls for the following:

1. DURATION:
   • A commitment for the life of one of the parties.
2. CONFIRMATION:
   • Becoming “one flesh.”
3. EXCLUSIVITY:
   • For The Woman –
     • She is not to become, “one flesh” with any other man.
   • For The Man –
     • He is not to become, “one flesh” with another woman.
   • Exception –
     • If he takes another wife (in countries where this is legal). Not God’s will, an allowance.
4. CONSIDERATION:
   • Given By the Woman –
     • Help him accomplish his goals in life
     • Love and respect her husband
     • Sexual love
   • Given By the Man-
     • Food and clothing
     • Love and direction
     • Sexual love
5. NULL & VOID:
   • Upon the death of either party.
   • Upon “sexual immorality.”
     • As an option for the husband or wife. In God’s sight a capital crime was committed.
     • Not the will of God, but his allowance.
   • Upon being abandoned by either party.
     • The abandoning party has in fact stopped providing consideration.
     • They set up the situation where the “victim” will “separate what God joined together.”
     • Not God’s will, but an allowance, so that a saint may live in “peace.”

20. Practical Applications of The Conclusions of This Study

It is always God’s will that two believers work out their difficulties and develop a peaceful marriage relationship regardless of the problems they encounter. God always wants those counseling troubled marriages to work toward reconciliation and understanding in the marriage.

It is God’s desire (and the way to enjoy God’s best) for a believing spouse to forgive a marriage partner who is guilty of immorality. However, there are situations where this is impossible. If the immoral partner leaves the marriage and will not reconcile, there is nothing the faithful party can do, no matter how bad they want to or how hard they try.

In a marriage where one of the parties is guilty of “sexual immorality” and there is not a reasonable hope of putting the marriage back together, where does this leave the “victim?” (Example: A husband commits adultery, leaves his wife, ultimately divorces his wife and marries the woman with whom he committed adultery.) If the victim wants to remarry, in spite of the warnings from the apostle Paul, how must we counsel them? We cannot counsel them on the basis of whether the immoral partner is saved or not; we cannot know for certain without error, whether he or she is or is not saved. We cannot reasonably shift to the “victim” the responsibility of deciding, for certain without error, whether their partner is saved or not. If counselors cannot read hearts, certainly husbands and wives who are emotionally involved cannot read hearts either. It is important to remember that the gospel accounts and the apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7, approach the subject from the perspective of the person who would “defraud” a spouse, not from the perspective of the “victim.”

The man who divorces his wife or the woman who divorces her husband and marries another commits adultery “EXCEPT FOR SEXUAL IMMORALITY.” Under the Mosaic law, the adulterer or the adulteress should have been stoned to death, which would end the problem. Today, since the Church is not the government but is to be in subjection to the “powers that be,” God’s allowance for the “victim,” relevant to the covenant of marriage, is to consider the adulterer or adulteress as good as dead. The “victim” is free to divorce and remarry and not be guilty of adultery.

Where is the “victim” in cases where “sexual immorality” is not known to be a factor and the husband (or the wife) has abandoned or divorced their spouse and will not reconcile? In many of these cases immorality will be a factor, but the “victim” will not be aware of it or will not be able to prove it. The believing husband or wife in these cases did not abandon their believing spouse; they were abandoned. When the marriage partner left the marriage, they stopped providing the “CONSIDERATION” that makes a contract binding. They refuse to supply/pay their due to the relationship. The partner who left has, practically if not legally, “separated what God has joined together.” The husband who leaves has “put away” his wife. The wife who leaves has “departed” from her husband. The guilty party has disobeyed God’s instructions to them; they have broken the contract. The “victim” is free to marry. The guilty party is depriving the spouse, making self-control difficult. This tends to result in “sexual immorality.” God does not want the situation to continue this way unless the “victim” can live in “peace” without a marriage partner.

This is consistent with “God’s Three Basic Reasons For Marriage.” They set forth practical needs provided for in the marriage relationship that facilitate men and women living in “peace” in this area of life.

God’s Three Basic Reasons for Marriage

1. “… the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone’.”
2. “… I will make him a helper comparable to him…. Your desire shall be for your husband.”
3. “… because of sexual immorality – each man his own wife, each woman her own husband.”
   (GEN 2:18 & 22, 3:16, 1CO 7:2)

God’s revealed will, coupled with God’s revealed allowances, have always enabled a person to fill these needs in a marriage relationship.

Always, the effort and counsel should be to help both a Christian husband and Christian wife preserve the original marriage relationship. A husband who loves his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it could surely find it within his heart to forgive his wife regardless of her sins.

By the same token, a Christian wife who loves the Lord and has the love of God in her heart should be able to submit to and respect her husband as unto the Lord. We should encourage this, preach this, teach this and counsel this, to the best of our ability. However, when a party is abandoned or where sexual immorality is a factor, God has made allowance for the “victim” to live in a married state.

What if the adulterer or the adulteress comes to the end of themselves after having refused to come to repentance or refusing to reconcile? They are truly repentant. They are truly ashamed of themselves, and they have been forgiven by God and they want to be restored to fellowship. Two passages, one from the Hebrew scriptures and one from the Greek scriptures answer this question. ⁵⁵“He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy” and “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

If at the time of repentance, the guilty party is not married, can they marry? Since they have already put asunder “what God has joined together”, either by their “sexual immorality” or by abandoning the marriage, they must answer to God for that sin. They will lose rewards. However, as to the first marriage, it is “null and void”; they can remarry. If their first partner had not remarried, the goal should be for a reconciliation between them and the first partner. If this were not possible, they would be free to remarry “only in the Lord.”

O The Riches of The Mercy of God

⁵⁶“For as the heavens are high above the earth, So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him; As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us. As a father pities his children, So the LORD pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.”

God’s mercy is extended to them, because they still have the needs addressed in “God’s Three Basic Reasons For Marriage.” All of the expressions in scripture relevant to the need of man and the designed purpose for woman bear this out. God in his wisdom and mercy gave us His order and desire in marriage, one man with one woman until death takes one of them. God in His mercy and wisdom gave us the provisions for the marriage covenant. God in His wisdom and mercy allows deviation from his plan for mankind because he ⁵⁷“has called us to peace.”

God’s Three Basic Reasons for Marriage

1. “… the LORD God said, “It is not good that man should be alone.”
2. “… I will make him a helper comparable to him……your desire shall be for your husband.”
3. “… because of sexual immorality – each man his own wife, each woman her own husband.”
   (GEN 2:18 & 22, 3:16, 1CO 7:2)
   

COMMENTS AND APPLICATIONS

1. When we meet someone who was married in the past and they have remarried, the question of who was saved and when they were saved, will not be a factor.
   • These questions cannot be answered with any infallibility.
   • There is really no concern about the second marriage for the following reasons:
     1. Mankind has separated what God has joined together. (Whoever was sinfully responsible for that action will need to receive God’s forgiveness for that sin.)
     2. Once what God had joined together was separated and now there is no possibility for reconciliation, the present marriage is acceptable.
2. If someone (who was married and is now divorced) begins to meet with the congregation of the saints and they want to remarry, questions about who was saved and when they were saved are not important.
   • These are questions that cannot be answered with any infallibility.
   • The important questions are:
     1. Is the person aware of where they sinned against their former partner if they did?
     2. Have they repented and forsaken the sins committed against their former spouse.
     3. Is there possibility of reconciliation (recognizing the additional responsibility if there are children involved.)
3. The prospective spouse in such a situation should enter into a marriage, with one who has in the past separated or has been separated from what God has joined together, with extreme caution.
   • There will without a doubt be scars from the last relationship.
   • The fact of the separation may indicate a lack of spiritual commitment or love.
   • Where immorality was a factor, there may be a lack of repentance on the part of the perpetrator of this sin.
   • The “victim” may have contributed to a lack of satisfaction in the marriage relationship. (This is not justification or an excuse for the sinner.)
4. If the person in number two above is aware of where they have sinned against the Lord and their former partner (if they have sinned against them), and if they have confessed and forsaken their sin and there is no apparent possibility of reconciliation with their first partner, then as the apostle Paul said, “…if you do marry, you have not sinned… Nevertheless, such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you.” (1CO 7:28) This should be our counsel to them.

 ¹2TI 2:15, ²2TI 3:16 & 17, ³1CO 2:13, ⁴2CO 4:7, ⁵GEN 1:27 & 28, ⁶GEN 2:18, 21-24, ⁷1CO 6:16, ⁸MAT 19:8, ⁹MAT 19:6, ¹⁰1CO 7:15, ¹¹GEN 3:16 ¹²GEN2:18 & 22, 3:16 & 1CO 7:2,¹³1TI 2:12 & 13, GEN 3:16, 1CO 11:3, EPH 5:24, 1PE 3:1, ¹⁴ROM 7:2, ¹⁵1CO 7:39, ¹⁶GEN 12:19, GEN 20:9, ¹⁷DEU 22:13-21, ¹⁸NUM 5:12-31, ¹⁹LEV 20:10, ²⁰EXO 22:19, DEU 27:20-23, LEV 18:6, LEV 20, ²¹MAT 19:9, ²²EXO 21:10 & 11, ²³DEU 21:15-17, ²⁴DEU 24:1-4, ²⁵RUTH 3:1, ²⁶MAL 2:13-16 ²⁷1PE 3:7, ²⁸MAT 5:31 & 32, ²⁹MAT 19:3, ³⁰MAT 19:9,³¹MAR 10:11 ³²MAR 10:12, ³³JER 3:20, ³⁴JOH 14:17, 1CO 3:16, ³⁵ROM 8:9, ³⁶ROM 8:16, ³⁷ROM 8:4, 8:14, ³⁸ROM 8:26 & 27, ³⁹EPH 1:3, ⁴⁰EPH 1:13, EPH 4:30, 2CO 1:21 & 22,⁴¹GAL 5:22 & 23, ⁴²1TH 4:3-8, ⁴³GAL 5:16, ⁴⁴1TI 5:11-14, ⁴⁵1CO 7:8 & 9, ⁴⁶1CO 7:7, ⁴⁷1CO 7:2, ⁴⁸1CO 7:5, ⁴⁹ROM 8:37, ⁵⁰HEB 13:4, ⁵¹2CO 6:14 – 7:1, ⁵²1CO 7:29, ⁵³1CO 7:27 & 28, ⁵⁴1CO 7:33, ⁵⁵PRO 28:13, 1JO 1:9, ⁵⁶PSA 103:11-14, ⁵⁷1CO 7:15, ⁵⁸GEN 24:3, ⁵⁹DEU 7:3, JOS 23:12 & 13, ⁶⁰EZR 10:2 – 4, NEH 13:25 – 29, ⁶¹1CO 7:10 & 11