SEXUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS

Sexual abuse is probably the most harmful crime that can be committed. The victims often carry deep mental and emotional scars. This study is an effort to help those who have been so terribly abused to find the relief and rest that only a personal and loving God can give.

I am not a trained, licensed or professional sex counselor. I am a Christian minister who has had the privilege of working with people who have been harmed in many, many different ways. Even though the source and means of pain may be different in various circumstances, the answer that brings resolution and peace is very much the same for all of us. And, the solution is real.

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

Following are a number of feelings and thoughts that a victim of sexual abuse may experience. Not all of the following, or perhaps some others not contained here, may be a particular person’s burden(s), but by considering these some may at least know that what is happening to them inside is not unique and they are not the only ones with such pain. In addition, hopefully knowing that the crime committed upon them is the cause of these feelings and thoughts will encourage them to understand that they are not responsible for generating them and that there is real hope and a solution for them. The feelings and thoughts are not their fault. They are the results of what a victim of this terrible experience suffers. The responsibility of the victim lies in what they will now choose to do with these feelings and thoughts.

Guilty and Dirty

Some may wonder how the victim of sexual abuse may feel any guilt since they were the victim and thus not the responsible party. The reasons for guilty feelings are many…

Made to feel guilty by the perpetrator:

Some predators tell their victims that it was the victim’s fault. “You tempted me by the way you dressed, the way you acted, the way you looked at me,” may have been some of the lies. “You know that you really wanted me to do these things” may be another. “I couldn’t help myself because of the way you came on me” is also a lie.

Feel like they should have broken away sooner:

When a sexually abused person grows older and acquires the physical strength and other abilities to end the abuse, yet they continue due to many factors, they may feel very guilty. “What is wrong with me that I did not stop it sooner?” their mind may painfully scream. However, it is very important to understand that victims are not only kept captive by the physical strength of their captors but also by the authority of the predator and a host of psychological impressions as well as by various kinds of threats and fears imposed upon them by the predator.

This is not a sign of inherent weakness on the part of the abused but rather evidence of the extreme power a predator may increasingly exercise over the victim, especially when started in the victim’s vulnerable youth.

Endured the sexual abuse to gain favor:

We all need love and value. In some circumstances the predator may have used the illicit sex as a lever over the victim, granting the victim attention and/or favors as reward for cooperation and secrecy. The predator may have convinced the victim that the victim was deficient in some ways and that their only real value was derived from the predator. The predator may have acted as though they were doing a great favor for the victim, all of which were lies, of course.

Enjoyed some part of the sexual experience:

While the victim’s soul was telling them that the sexual acts were wrong, their physical body may have been reacting normally to the sexual stimulus. There may have been physical enjoyment that confused the victim. “If this is so wrong, why does it feel good?” may have been their unspoken question. Some victims may even have looked forward to the physical enjoyment while hating the perversion put upon them by the perpetrator. This clash of principles may have made the victim feel guilty and perhaps dirty.

Loss

The terrible hurt springing from the loss of virginity, feeling vulnerable and unprotected along with the lack of being able to decide the use of your own body, all role together into what seems like a massive unrecoverable pain, some of which is not true, but nevertheless, it feels so to the victim. Obviously, while ones virginity cannot be restored, the personal ability to protect oneself and make decisions about your own body can be won back. Physical and mental maturity that brings with it the strength to resist and make decisions, age that brings with it the experience to be aware of and choose our associates and surroundings, along with assistance from trusted friends and loved ones all work together to restore a person to the common physical welfare most of us experience.

Mistrust of Authority

Often the predator of sexual abuse was a person (or persons) who had some authority over the victim. In some cases the victim may have reported or hinted at the abuse to another person also with authority only to be disappointed at the lack of help from them, or in some terrible cases, may have been even further abused by this second person also! Thus the mistrust of any person in authority, or indeed mistrust of everyone, may be a natural ready response of the victim.

Since God is the ultimate authority and He did not stop the abuse (see thoughts on this later in this study), such mistrust may turn toward Him also. To speak of “God the Father’s love” to a person who was abused by their physical father, or a father figure, may be very offensive to them.

This aversion toward God is very harmful to the sexually abused person. Those who have been terribly hurt by this crime very much need love and help from Almighty God, not only to arrive at peace and solace in their hearts, but because Jesus Christ is the one and only Savior of our eternal souls!

As hard as it may be to begin, the victims of abuse need to pray and ask God to deliver them from this mistrust of Him. The witness of untold numbers of persons who have allowed God to accomplish this in their lives is clear evidence and encouragement that this can and will be accomplished if they will solicit His aid.

Helpless

Being unable to control what is being done to them may cause feelings of fist clenching helplessness or rag doll hopeless surrender with the thought that no help is available. Perhaps they arrive at the conclusion that they will always suffer and be abused so why even try to make changes or turn anywhere for help. Negative thoughts may prevail, seeing only evil and bad all around them. Feelings of isolation (“no one cares or understands”) and even self-destruction may control them at times.

Hopefully, by reading the solutions in this study, those who may have had these terrible feelings and thoughts imposed on them will see that they can have a victorious, peaceful, happy and productive life as others have found who have escaped from these circumstances.

Unlovable with No Value and Shame

The above feelings may tend to make the victim feel worthless. They are different, they may think, from their peers. They may assume that no one would like them or want to be around them if they knew. As a means of control, the predator may have specifically instilled this into them telling them that they are no good, worthless or stupid and possibly thereby making them slaves to any words or actions of approval from the predator.

The victim may avoid social contact feeling that if anyone got close to them they would see how worthless they are and reject them, so why bother building friendships that will ultimately crash. They may use sharp words or actions to cause people to distance themselves from them.

Perhaps at the suggestions of the predator, some may have been convinced that they were being justly punished because they were so faulty, causing them to assume that they deserve what is happening to them. Frustrating self-examination may follow with horrendous efforts to “be good” and to “please,” all to no avail.

They may appear proud and selfish while in truth, they feel shame. When their peers giggle or joke about the opposite sex, they may feel sick inside because they already know much they wish they did not. Or, perhaps they make the mistake of revealing some bit of knowledge that causes stares or questions from their peers.

The need to excel in any endeavor and a resistance to ever admit a wrong or a mistake may be very high. When a person already feels less than zero, they may try to gain on this imaginary scale by working harder and longer than others. Criticism of any kind may cause immediate and possibly severe negative responses from the abused person. They may do anything to shift responsibility for a mistake or error, including denial that it even happened.

Fear

Fear comes in many shapes and sizes…fear from threats of the predator…fear at possible detection by others…fear at thoughts of escape…fear of harming the entire family if the crime is made known…fear from all the above feelings that may haunt them.

As a person comes to know more and more surely about the truth of the infinite love of God for them and the value He puts on them, God’s love will help to dissipate the many and various fears. Thus, it is important for all of us, but especially for ones who have been victims of this hideous crime, to read and truly grasp the word of the God, the Bible, which produces faith and hope. The Gospel of John and the Epistle of 1 John are excellent sources for this.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” (1John 4:18)

“For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ… that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend (grasp) with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height-- to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” (Ephesians 3:14-19)

Anger and Revenge

It is very normal to feel both angry and have the desire for justice incorporated in revenge; consequently the victim need not feel guilty at these feelings, but they do need to be helped and change. They have been robbed and it hurts terribly! They may be angry at the predator, of course, but also at themselves, at everyone around them for not coming to their aid (even if others did not know), at siblings who are not thus being abused, and even at the world at large where they may be envious of happiness and peace that they see in others.

This anger may spill over into many areas of their lives. They may be impatient at times and have a “short fuse.” They may not even know that this is true of them. In fact, when faced with these actions by a friend or relative, they may vehemently deny it and/or make excuses for it! Such anger and revenge if allowed to fester in the heart of the abused can be harmful to them and to those who love them most. It may cause distancing by those whom they would like most to be near.

Blank Spaces

Some sexually abused victims may have blank spaces in their memory. Some may remember the abuse only up to a point but can’t recall the rest. Some may not be able to recall any of the abuse at all because they cannot remember portions of their lives like their early childhood or their teen years for example. Those who have this situation may have uneasy feelings when a remark is made by someone or when touched by someone in a particular way, a particular smell, a certain sound, etc., but they do not know why. If they perceive any such characteristics in themselves they may not know why they are this way because they honestly do not remember the abuse.

Sudden Recollections

For years, as far back as he could remember a particular man had an aversion toward his mother. To be sure, she was strange in some of her actions, but he did not know why he just did not want to be around her. One day she was visiting he and his family. Sitting next to him on the sofa, she placed her hand on his leg. Suddenly, scenes of her abuse of him as a young boy crashed back on him and he was horrified! Now he knew why he could not recall that portion of his life.

Such flashbacks can be terrifying to the victim. Again, it is very important for them to know that these are normal given their circumstances and it is not their fault.

Variety of After-effects

In addition to those already mentioned, the list of possible aftereffects that an abused person may suffer is very lengthy. Any number of the following may be their experience: anxiety, apprehension, depression, substance abuse, nightmares, headaches, various phobias, self-mutilation and other types of self-harmful behavior, criminal activities, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, obesity, anorexia, chocking, nausea, sexual promiscuity or celibacy, multiple personalities and more.

These are mentioned here to help those who have been abused to again consider the fact that they are not strange to have such conditions as a result of the crime that was committed against them and to know that there really is hope!

WHAT IS THE TRUTH?

Here are the two most important aspects of sexual abuse for every victim of this terrible crime to understand…

They are not responsible! — As a victim who was overpowered either by physical strength, coercion, threats or authority of the predator, they are not responsible for the abusive acts.
Forgiveness of themselves! —
If there was responsibility on the victim in any way, JESUS CHRIST PAID THE FULL PENALTY FOR ALL OUR SINS!

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